Why??? My Pathetic Ramblings

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Why???? Doesn't everyone take this stuff

Lexipro what great stuff! If you can get past the first couple of days in which you feel stoned a very bad stoned by the way after that it seems that life is not so bad. Of course the dreaded holidays are still on their way and I have to find a way not to be so selfish. I am trying to leave and not make everyone else uncomfortable or so I thought but it seems that everyone is pissed that I am leaving. Where is this happy medium? Why can't I find it? But thanks to the lexipro I am not so depressed about it. I have a problem with one person and only because she has some kind of problem with me and my son. If feel that these are totally unjustified and probably the best thing to do is get over it, let it go, forgive and forget but I can't!! People like her have to know that you can't go around treating people the way she does and get away with it, expect everything to be pushed under the rug, expect people to agree and continue to treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. It will not happen with me that's for sure! We are not gonna drop it and I am not gonna forget about it. We either have it out and solve it or I forgive and remember those are the options and I am sure that I will take some slack for not letting it go but like I said I can't she is no princess, goddess, or otherwise and I refuse to let her be treated that way at least not by me or my son. So Thanksgiving should be fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God for Lexipro :)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Why??? Is depression so strong

I don't understand how and why an emotion can take over your entire being. A good diet plenty of sleep a few bucks in the bank and people who love you cannot even overcome it. The thing that really sucks is that one stupid thing can "turn it on" . One wrong comment, thought action and then you realize how bad your whole entire life sucks! Thoughts and ideas, aspects of your life that are in no way connected or realated to the "trigger" incodent flow through your head sending you floating helplessly down the river of depression without a paddle.
SO...I got stood up get over it right....now I am never home to spend time with my kid, I completly suck because every once in a while I think of how much I could do if the little love of my life was taken care of, I hate my job, I don't make enought money, I never finished school, I haven't lived the life I want to live. I don't get the shit I need to get done done. I am parinoid and insecure. I hate myself for becoming a Sunday morning person again. I entertain the thought of death as the easy way out. I hate my body. I am lonley. I hate that my ex gets to live the fun life and has everyone snowed into thinking the world is out to get him and none of it is his fault AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Problem really is when you look at it is that there is not one thing on my list that I cannot change. There all excuses excuses excuses.....All things that if if if happened my life would be fixed. If I won the lotto I could spend more time with my son quit my job go back to school etc etc etc....... unfortunatly get off your ass only works for about a half a day and is usually a day late and a dollar short. And as you sit and write the to do list another wave of depression crashed over you unrelentlessly and once again your gumption is gone hit over and over by this wave. Taken away with all the reasons as to why I can't do all the things i want and need to do. One day I fear that it will wash me away

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Why????? Do they let idiots map cities....

Why in the world were a couple of drunk guys allowed to map at the city streets of Durham NC?? My best friend Carrie and some of her Tupperware minions came down for fall festival in Durham so since it is only 2 1/2 hours instead of 5 I thought that I would drive up and hang. Besides I am a big DUKE fan thanks to a very cute bot in the 6th grade and had never been there before. No wonder they are so good at basketball there is nothing to do in good ole Durham and if there is I will be damned if we could find it!!!!!! We drove around for hours in the most bezzare arrangement of circles that I have ever seen. After a certain point all you could do was laugh we left the hotel for some dinner assuming that if we could get back to where we had seen the mall from the interstate there would be a bunch of resturants just like there are in all of are respective towns. Road construction took us on a slight detour we found the mall and not a place to eat in sight so after driving around in circles for about an hour we found the Texas Roadhouse. After horrible service and the waitstaff tush pushin' to TROUBLE we were off to drop off someone and find somewhere cool to go party. Arnmed with directions from a local and an insatiable appetite for fun we headed out......to the middle of Freakin' nowhere!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once we came upon the last chance tavern we knew that we had gone way to far :) So we turned around and by now it was 11:30 so we stopped at the gas station to create our own fun and saw a sign that said Raleigh 32 miles.....screw that!!!! There had to be some bars in Durham right???? WRONG!!! Well there was a little strip of hole in the wall joints but being a car full of white women in a strange town we decided that it was a little to dark for us. Different town different circumstance...Hampton Charlotte maybe but not Durham. So we drove around again in circles for what semed like a few more hours before we needed to stop at another gas station for refills....got directions to the hotspot in town and were once again on our way.. So we follow the directions and wind up back at the spot with the hole in the wall joints and decided to go back to the hotel bar. We enter and it is dead we are so frustrated that we could not satisfy our appetite for fun in this new little town that we brought our gas station purchases in with us sat in the corner talking and laughing smoking and drinking. Till the bartender kicked us out a little after 1. We went back to the room changed into jammies banged on a few doors pissed the people across the hall off and went downstairs armed with drinks and cigarettes to sit in the lobby and try to extend the festivties of the night. In our Pjs chips drinks and smokes. We are so motel 6 only problem...we were staying at the Hilton!
Fun times!!!!!!!!!

Why????? Do I care.....

Why do I care what people think? I am so busy minding everyone else's feelings that mine get shoved to the back burner and when they are finally realized or paid attention to for that matter they are already out of control and a bout of full on depression ensues. I worry so to make things cool for everyone and the effort is brushed of or thrown in my face.
Why do I care what some guy who blew me off tonight thinks. Why is it bumming me out so bad? Is it because I can't remember the last time that that happened to me....Probably. It really sucks!!!!!! Thought things were cool no call no show so I guess not. Oh well.....

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Why???? Do I even open my mouth

I probably put my self in a bind tonight

In the world I live in of the adopted family before I speak I forget about the adoptive part sometime and usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. I want to be open and honest. I want to be able to say what I think instead of screening what I say and seeming deceptive in the end when it all comes around anyway. Even thoughts spoken in joking fun can be misconstrued and taken offense to. I put myself in this situation and it will wind up eating me alive

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Why??? Can't I sleep......

What is the thing that is keeping me up tonight. Is it the fact that there is someone who hates me for no good or at least explained reason causing problems with my family. Is it because of the medication that I am on. Is it because there is a man I want who is so far away, as are the memories I have of him but not the friendship that is tempting me. Is it because there was a guy that I met that I liked that seems to have blown me off which hasn't happened in quite a while and I really don't like it very much. Is it because I have a worthless ex who's own stupidity boggles my mind. Is it because I have friends that boggle my mind that I am sucked into their Drama constantly!!!!!! Or is it because I know what I want and still seem to go for the exact opposite AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Why be a Blogger

A very good friend of mine turned me on to this so I thought that I would give it a shot . She said it is a release let's her get he frustrations out.. God knows that I need that a place to be able to express all the feeling I guard, hide and word very carefully in my world everyday. Maybe writing it all out will help me release all the stress anger frustration and depression that I feel everyday.

If for nothing else maybe I will be able to look at this one day and laugh :)