Why??? My Pathetic Ramblings

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Why??? Is depression so strong

I don't understand how and why an emotion can take over your entire being. A good diet plenty of sleep a few bucks in the bank and people who love you cannot even overcome it. The thing that really sucks is that one stupid thing can "turn it on" . One wrong comment, thought action and then you realize how bad your whole entire life sucks! Thoughts and ideas, aspects of your life that are in no way connected or realated to the "trigger" incodent flow through your head sending you floating helplessly down the river of depression without a paddle.
SO...I got stood up get over it right....now I am never home to spend time with my kid, I completly suck because every once in a while I think of how much I could do if the little love of my life was taken care of, I hate my job, I don't make enought money, I never finished school, I haven't lived the life I want to live. I don't get the shit I need to get done done. I am parinoid and insecure. I hate myself for becoming a Sunday morning person again. I entertain the thought of death as the easy way out. I hate my body. I am lonley. I hate that my ex gets to live the fun life and has everyone snowed into thinking the world is out to get him and none of it is his fault AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Problem really is when you look at it is that there is not one thing on my list that I cannot change. There all excuses excuses excuses.....All things that if if if happened my life would be fixed. If I won the lotto I could spend more time with my son quit my job go back to school etc etc etc....... unfortunatly get off your ass only works for about a half a day and is usually a day late and a dollar short. And as you sit and write the to do list another wave of depression crashed over you unrelentlessly and once again your gumption is gone hit over and over by this wave. Taken away with all the reasons as to why I can't do all the things i want and need to do. One day I fear that it will wash me away

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